Xnghiêm
04-09-2005, 10:47 AM
My precious friend, I recall the chilling silent black darkness that surrounded me every moment when you were not around. It has been more then 10 months since you made the split, your second decision that was to change your world. It certainly changed mine. For ten months I have stood mummy-like in the centre of a spiral of questions that bounced back off the stars to return unanswered, just the same questions ringing ever louder in my ears. It is a strange sensation.
The way those questions take the rainbow splashes of color which you, my love, my best friend, splashed with the freedom of a child on the canvas of my life, and blend them with dizzying speed into each other. So I stand at the centre of something quite terrifying, yet strangely beautiful. Every so often there is peace there as one of those magnificent colors, the hue of another beautiful memory, washes over and through me and I smile through my tears.
Can I go on? If every pair of eyes capable of reading was to read these words, would it make a difference? Will they help to silence those unanswered questions, those things I'll wish forever that I'd said to you rather than "I have to go, good-bye"? Will they wrap them up tightly for me in a box, nail it shut with a million nails and throw them, with the force of the whole earth, out beyond the stars never to bounce back and deafen me again?
No. My canvas will always have, as a backdrop, that hauntingly beautiful spiral of color. What is it I want to say ...? I am sorry. I am sorry that I was young and selfish and insensitive and careless. I am sorry that by your action, you became my teacher - the teacher of so many painful lessons, when I'd much rather you'd stayed my lover. Actually, that is what I really want to say to you. I love you. I have hurt, and in my aching condition of guilt and self-loathing, I have hurt other people. It is to them that I owe an apology. But this is my love letter to you.
Sometimes I wish that I never knew you. Like a child allowed chocolate just once, then never again, I've struggled to find satisfaction in a world of unshared pleasures. Yes, I have shared many things with many people - but my soul has always ached for you. I remember how strangely you were acting in our last week together. So strangely that I even asked to myself, you were thinking of "doing something silly. Strangely though, when you left, I had to stop myself from shouting out and running to you and holding you and telling you the words that choke me still, I love you.
Would it have made a difference if I had? I have become a firm believer that nothing happens by chance. In fact, I have learnt to look for meaning and signs in the world around me all the time now. Do you remember the first time when we went to Barista? It was the sweetest drink I ever had in my whole life. But because of my unknowingly mistakes you disappeared. What a cruel destiny. I wonder how many people realized how deep the water I had landed in was. Perhaps I was drowning. Would I have realized what a precious gift I had been given and treasured it with my life will cross our paths several months later?
"If," ... What a useless word! A ticket to an eternal preoccupation with the past - and with how it could have been. It was the way it was. It is the way it is. And that is that. We make the choices we have to make. Yes, we may look back and realize how wrong or foolish we were to have taken the route we did, but the fact remains we can only make today's choices with today's information, wisdom, and providence. I realize all this now - but heaven alone knows how I have stretched the tape of my mind's eye, rewinding and re-playing those last few conversations, imagining what would have happened if....
Writing to you now - I feel movement through a kaleidoscope of emotions. Sometimes I've the instinct to sink deep into pits of the earth, beyond the damp darkness into the molten heat of the earth's core and there be consumed by hell's flames. It was my fault. I saw the accusations in your eyes whenever I had met you. But even more so, I saw it staring back at me when I looked in the mirror. I had lessons to learn. I would have to get up every morning, even when I had not slept all night and wanted to bury myself beneath the covers and cry and cry every tear that bloated me. I would have to look at the reflection staring back at me and, eventually, I'd have to learn to love it.
No simple task. Only now that I am beginning to see goodness in the eyes reflected in my mirror do I see how deep my guilt and self-hatred has run. Suffice to say that I have not been kind to myself. I have tried to escape in foolish ways. I have avoided my own work and allowed my talents to stagnate. But the arms of God have held me gently, so I have escaped any serious harm, and through it all I have grown.
My sweet, sweet angel, people have told me how selfish I was and how angry you have a right to be. I am not angry with you. Please know this. I am ready for love now, to give and receive it. So please say good-bye. Not to the kaleidoscope of colors, or the memories or the love that will cross forever, but good-bye to the pain and the prison of self-loathing that was my previous life.
The way those questions take the rainbow splashes of color which you, my love, my best friend, splashed with the freedom of a child on the canvas of my life, and blend them with dizzying speed into each other. So I stand at the centre of something quite terrifying, yet strangely beautiful. Every so often there is peace there as one of those magnificent colors, the hue of another beautiful memory, washes over and through me and I smile through my tears.
Can I go on? If every pair of eyes capable of reading was to read these words, would it make a difference? Will they help to silence those unanswered questions, those things I'll wish forever that I'd said to you rather than "I have to go, good-bye"? Will they wrap them up tightly for me in a box, nail it shut with a million nails and throw them, with the force of the whole earth, out beyond the stars never to bounce back and deafen me again?
No. My canvas will always have, as a backdrop, that hauntingly beautiful spiral of color. What is it I want to say ...? I am sorry. I am sorry that I was young and selfish and insensitive and careless. I am sorry that by your action, you became my teacher - the teacher of so many painful lessons, when I'd much rather you'd stayed my lover. Actually, that is what I really want to say to you. I love you. I have hurt, and in my aching condition of guilt and self-loathing, I have hurt other people. It is to them that I owe an apology. But this is my love letter to you.
Sometimes I wish that I never knew you. Like a child allowed chocolate just once, then never again, I've struggled to find satisfaction in a world of unshared pleasures. Yes, I have shared many things with many people - but my soul has always ached for you. I remember how strangely you were acting in our last week together. So strangely that I even asked to myself, you were thinking of "doing something silly. Strangely though, when you left, I had to stop myself from shouting out and running to you and holding you and telling you the words that choke me still, I love you.
Would it have made a difference if I had? I have become a firm believer that nothing happens by chance. In fact, I have learnt to look for meaning and signs in the world around me all the time now. Do you remember the first time when we went to Barista? It was the sweetest drink I ever had in my whole life. But because of my unknowingly mistakes you disappeared. What a cruel destiny. I wonder how many people realized how deep the water I had landed in was. Perhaps I was drowning. Would I have realized what a precious gift I had been given and treasured it with my life will cross our paths several months later?
"If," ... What a useless word! A ticket to an eternal preoccupation with the past - and with how it could have been. It was the way it was. It is the way it is. And that is that. We make the choices we have to make. Yes, we may look back and realize how wrong or foolish we were to have taken the route we did, but the fact remains we can only make today's choices with today's information, wisdom, and providence. I realize all this now - but heaven alone knows how I have stretched the tape of my mind's eye, rewinding and re-playing those last few conversations, imagining what would have happened if....
Writing to you now - I feel movement through a kaleidoscope of emotions. Sometimes I've the instinct to sink deep into pits of the earth, beyond the damp darkness into the molten heat of the earth's core and there be consumed by hell's flames. It was my fault. I saw the accusations in your eyes whenever I had met you. But even more so, I saw it staring back at me when I looked in the mirror. I had lessons to learn. I would have to get up every morning, even when I had not slept all night and wanted to bury myself beneath the covers and cry and cry every tear that bloated me. I would have to look at the reflection staring back at me and, eventually, I'd have to learn to love it.
No simple task. Only now that I am beginning to see goodness in the eyes reflected in my mirror do I see how deep my guilt and self-hatred has run. Suffice to say that I have not been kind to myself. I have tried to escape in foolish ways. I have avoided my own work and allowed my talents to stagnate. But the arms of God have held me gently, so I have escaped any serious harm, and through it all I have grown.
My sweet, sweet angel, people have told me how selfish I was and how angry you have a right to be. I am not angry with you. Please know this. I am ready for love now, to give and receive it. So please say good-bye. Not to the kaleidoscope of colors, or the memories or the love that will cross forever, but good-bye to the pain and the prison of self-loathing that was my previous life.